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Horoscopes by Twyla: February Edition

According to Wikipedia, the Age of Aquarius is associated with humanitarianism, idealism, democracy, freedom, rebellion, nonconformity, perseverance, humanity, and philanthropy — I think that’s a crock of shit because all of these horoscopes are about being overworked, stressed out, and looking for love. But anyways….

Aquarius, Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
This month is all about you, Aquarius! I guess it always kinda is, because you’re usually walking around in your own little world most of the time, but you know what I mean. You’re extra charming this month, which means you’ll have no problem making new friends — but pay attention to existing relationships as your communication skills are lacking (as usual) and your significant other might feel a little snubbed.

Pisces, Feb. 19 – Mar. 20
A new year is coming up for you, Pisces, so get ready to welcome it! It might start off with a little bit of a negative vibe, but that’s because you’re so tuned into everyone else’s energy. You need to remember that their problems aren’t yours and just let that shit go! A new home or a new baby is on the horizon. If I were you, I’d go with the new home.

Aries, Mar. 21 – April 19
Cool your jets, Aries. You and your fiery personality need to take a couple deep breaths before dealing with other people this month — if you can keep your emotions in check, professional opportunities will open up for you. Single Aries will have lots of opportunities for love, especially if seniors are involved. I’m not sure what that means.

Taurus, April 20 – May 20
What do you like about your job, Taurus? The new moon is pushing you to figure out if you’re in your current position because you’re doing something you love, or just because you’re too much of a chicken shit to look for something different. There’s some saying about how being too comfortable is bad for you, but I can’t remember how it goes. That’s what I’m trying to tell you though. (If you really do like your job, then good for you and maybe next month I’ll give you a more accurate reading.)

Gemini, May 21 – June 20
February is all about hard work, Gemini — good thing it’s a short month, amirite? Don’t worry, even though there’s lots to get done, you’ve got it dialed and nothing will fall through the cracks. Get lots of sleep though, so you don’t wear yourself out. You’re feeling excited about some sort of new hook-up you’ve got going on — it’s not going to turn into anything, but you may as well enjoy the action!

Cancer, June 21 – July 22
Expect some changes in your love life, Cancer! Don’t worry, this doesn’t have to mean a breakup or anything bad, but maybe more like you’re finally going to start speaking up for what you want in the relationship! There’s also something in your stars about eating less meat, but I can’t tell if that’s just me unfairly projecting my own stuff on you.

Leo, July 23 – Aug. 22
If you’re currently in a serious relationship, I think you’re going to get married soon. If you’re already married, there’s going to be some baby news. If you already have kids, well then I don’t know what’s better than that, so enjoy your perfect life!

Virgo, Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Stop analyzing every little thing, Virgo, and just go with the flow. Spiritual vibes are making a strong appearance in the month ahead, causing you to get into meditation, yoga, and other feel-good activities. Spending time on these daily acts will open the door to new love interests. Also, there’s lots of stress in your life until the beginning of March, so chilling out with this hippy stuff will help the stress feel less overwhelming.

Libra, Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Wild month ahead, Libra. Your social calendar is full with phone calls and invitations from friends you haven’t seen for years — pay attention to the ones that used to be too over the top for you, they may have calmed down (or you may have loosened up!) and there’s a chance for a strong friendship now. Love is everywhere, so re-evaluate what you want romantically, then go get it!

Scorpio, Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
If you’ve been busting your ass at work for the last few months, Scorpio, the big payoff is coming right up. Financial rewards are on their way, so book a family vacation — they’ve been patient with you while you put in all the extra hours at work, so now is the time to celebrate. Don’t have a family/don’t want to go on vacation with them? Use the extra cash to splurge on something to make your home a little more high tech.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22 – Dec. 22
Hmm. I checked out your month ahead, Sagittarius, and it’s pretty much all bad. Not like, death and dying bad, but just like you’re tired, everyone around you is arguing, your relationship situation is strained, and your financial situation isn’t too hot either. So as you make your way through this dumpster fire of a month, keep your chin up and remember it’s a short month, and at least you’re alive!

Capricorn, Dec. 23 – Jan. 19
You’ve been reading too many of those “Rise & Grind” memes, haven’t you Capricorn? The upcoming month is all about “The Hustle”, and you’re ready to get out there and show them (I don’t know who I mean by “them”, so hopefully you do?) what you’ve got! Added bonus — Venus in your sign increases your attractiveness, so you’re gonna look super cute while you’re out there “Getting Shit Done!”

By Twyla Yacyshyn