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Vern Horoscope by Twyla: July Edition

I’ve been reading the stars and writing it all down to help get you through this thing called life. Find your sign and prepare accordingly.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Happy Birthday, Cancer! I hope people treat you nice on your special day because the rest of this month isn’t gonna be too great. I’m talking lawsuits, mouth sores, and a terrible time at work. However, your sex appeal is at it’s peak, and romantic relationships heat up after an interesting date.

Leo July 23 – Aug 22

Leos are my favourite people, and I’m happy to tell you that love is in the air this month. Is there someone you see everyday that you don’t really pay attention to? Coffee shop clerk? Library person? It’s one of them. Also, if you applied for a job a while ago but didn’t hear anything back, you might randomly hear something this month. There’s a bit of bad stuff going on this month, too, but I’m going to skip that part so hopefully it doesn’t come true like the rest of this horoscope is probably going to.

Virgo Aug 23 – Sept 22

The sun is out, and so are you, Virgo! July is a super social month for you which digs up a potential love interest because parties + beer = everyone looks so much cuter!
You’ve been bummed at work lately, and this might be the month that you just stand up and walk out! Spend wisely this month just in case you need the extra cash.

Libra Sept 23 – Oct 22

Hey, Libra! Looks like you’re the loser of July, as nothing is going to work out for you this month. Be careful with emails and texts and make sure everything is going to the right recipient — a small mistake could blow up into a real nightmare. Get back to the gym, sit out in the sun, and just chill if you can. Your positive attitude will get you through, even if you’re just faking it.

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21

Ew gross. Lots of “deep conversations” for you this month, Scorpio. About like, everything. Happy? Talk about it. Unhappy? Talk about it. Being treated unfairly, being overlooked, too many suitors? Talk about it. Need help with your confidence? Worried about finances? TALK ABOUT IT. The stars didn’t tell me who you’re supposed to do all this talking to, so I hope you know, otherwise it’s gonna be super annoying for your friends.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 22

Nobody cared about you in June, poor Sagittarius, but by mid-July you’ll be overwhelmed with calls, text and invitations! Not to anything good, but who cares, at least they’re remembering to invite you. Does a young girl owe you money? The stars are saying something like that, but I think I’m reading that wrong because why would a kid owe anyone money? (if this is true for anyone can you message me and let me know? I want to see if I’m really far off on this.)

Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 19

The start of the month has you all day-dreamy, Capricorn, so skip work for a few days if you can. Like an extra-long long weekend. You’ve got something going on at the end of the month where you’re feeling super creative — team up with a coworker to help you get all those great ideas out — partnerships are highlighted for you this month. Not romantic ones though, sorry.

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18

Keep an open mind about making new friends this month, Aquarius, because a new person is trying to come into your life and give you money. So be nice to everyone, even if they’re total nerds. Also, this is funny, and I’m sure I’m translating it wrong, but you’ll be locked inside your home or office at some point this month. For quite a while.

Pisces Feb 19 – March 20

Hang on tight, Pisces, the stars have packed about six months worth of horrible people into July for you. Someone is going to come into your life that seems like a dream at first, but is actually a turd, so watch out. Your boss gives you a big pat on the back around the 18th, but the rest of your coworkers are pissed about it and you’ll get the cold shoulder for a while — hope you enjoy lunch alone. Someone that you used to be close with will be creepin’ around talking trash, so basically just keep your head up and watch your back. Sorry. I am actually feeling sad for you.

Aries March 21 – April 19

Here are the notes I wrote while researching your month ahead, Aries. I may have had a beer or two prior to this star gazing session: “Something at work is annoying you. Speak up. Talk is cheap. Feel more active. “
So … hopefully that helps?

Taurus April 19 – May 20

Keep some nuts on your desk, Taurus, cuz you’re not eating enough during the day. Try to avoid being too open with people you don’t know well (ie: runnin’ your mouth while getting your hair done? You never know who’s at the sink next to you!) You’ll have some extra cash this month and I bet you need a new couch.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Time to make the hard decisions, Gemini! Have you got a romantic interest that you’re kinda keeping on the back burner, waiting for someone better to pop up? Let the poor sucker go — you’re being rude. If you bought something at a thrift store lately, get it appraised. Or if it’s like a vase or something, look inside for a treat.

By Twyla Yacyshyn