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Vern Horoscope by Twyla

I’ve been reading the stars and writing it all down to help get you through this thing called life. Find your sign and prepare accordingly.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You know all those sayings that are supposed to be motivational like, “When you feel like quitting, just keep going!”? Normally I’d say that type of messaging is complete B.S. because if you’re tired, you should take a break otherwise you’re going to get sick and also if you’re tired you’re probably being bitchy and nobody wants to be around you. HOWEVER! This month, Gemini, if you feel like quitting, I’m sorry to tell you that you actually do have to keep going otherwise you’re going to miss some big opportunity that you’ve been waiting for.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Your job will be fine, your finances will be better than usual, you’ll be sleeping real good, and everyone will want you at their parties. Sounds like the best month ever. I tried looking for something bad but couldn’t find anything. Sorry to every other sign that Cancer is basically the only one having a perfectly great month.

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

Pluto and the sun are doing some stuff together which benefits you financially and makes you a superstar at work. However, if you’re sneaking around and being unfaithful to your significant other, consider yourself busted, Leo. At least you’re doing good at work so maybe your boss won’t mind when you have to sleep in the office a few nights while looking for a new place to live.

Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Apparently, there is always “passion raging in your soul,” Virgo, but the position of Neptune this month screws it all up and you’re going to come across as aggressive, overconfident, excessively impertinent, and emotionally over-exerted…So that’s gonna be exciting for everyone else to sit back and watch.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Your laziness will catch up with you this month, Libra, and you’ll be scrambling around doing stuff that should have been done months ago. You’ll be getting a bunch of extra money so maybe pay someone to finish it all for you? Don’t get married this month — reschedule no matter what.

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Summer is kicking off nicely for you, Scorpio, and everything regarding money and love is great. One of your colleagues hates you, though. Look for the office Libra; my money is on her.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 22

I actually forgot to write a horoscope for Sagittarius this month, and none of the proofreaders noticed. Like, 5 different people. Which basically sums up how your real life is gonna roll this month, too. Not much goin’ on, doesn’t matter if you’re on the ball or off the ball — nobody cares. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, if you think about it.

Capricorn Dec. 23 – Jan. 19

You know that proverb about trying to catch two hares and ending up not catching any because you’re trying to do too much and you should just focus on one goal at a time? Doesn’t pertain to you this month, Capricorn. Do whatever you want in June and you’ll nail it all, you show off.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Everything is growing for you in June, Aquarius. You’ll get more responsibility (and money) at work, you’ll meet lots of new people and expand your social circle, and also something is happening at your home but I can’t tell what because I’m not a real astrologer.

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

Keep an eye on cherished possessions, whether it’s an object, a person, a pet — whatever. Someone else wants it, and Jupiter is being a jerk which might cause Pisces to lose things. Just double-check everything and try not to drink too much and you’ll be fine.

Aries March 21 – April 19

There’s no time like the present to say “See ya!” to a couple of friends who have been dragging you down lately. Don’t worry, Aries, you won’t even have a chance to miss them because June is sending you lots of extra cash, and who needs crappy friends when you’re rollin’ in the dough?

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Something about the position of the moon is making the other 11 zodiac signs direct all their negativity directly at you, poor Taurus, so be prepared and figure out a way to keep your chill. Also, your job is going to suck, too. Basically, if you can take all of June off, you should. Sorry.

By Twyla Yacyshyn